Moving On Up...

I packed up all the size 6-9 month clothes tonight and brought out all the size 9-12 month clothes - our baby girl is growing like a weed! I saved a few size 6-9 month outfits that still fit, but their days are numbered. We'll need to go shopping to fill in the holes in the size 9-12 month wardrobe, so that will be fun. Because of the awesome generosity of family and friends, we haven't had to buy much, and that has been a huge blessing - diapers and formula are expensive!

We started soft foods this week. Alyssa loves her fruit and sweet potatoes, but she's not such a fan of green vegetables like peas. I have to admit the peas smell weird, so I can't blame her for not liking them. The flavor or texture actually prompted her gag reflex at one point and it made me laugh so hard that I couldn't force one more bite of them down her throat. Alyssa is sleeping much better since she's been eating foods at dinnertime. Most nights, she'll sleep until 5:00 without wanting to eat - a good 7-8 hours! It's heaven!

I got the adoption papers filed with the court this week. Now we're working with LDS Family Services to get the home study done. As soon as that's done, we can get a court date and get everything finalized. We still have at least several months more to wait, but it's worth it. Alyssa makes our lives so much better. Her smile and laugh melt our hearts and make the world a better place.

Happy Surgeriversary to Me!!!

It was 2 years ago today that I let a surgeon cut up and reroute my insides. I had gastric bypass (Roux-en-Y) surgery and proceeded to lose about 160 pounds over the next 6 or so months. It was a rough ride and I've had several health problems because of it, but even with all the trouble, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

At my heaviest, I was over 330 pounds. I started gaining weight in 5th grade, during a year when my world was turned upside down when several people in my family died. I ate to feel better and basically never stopped. I gained weight steadily and became more and more unhappy. It wasn't until I married Mike, who showed me that I was actually worth something, that I decided to make an investment in myself to improve my life. After more than 2 years of research, studying, pondering, and praying, I made the decision to have weight loss surgery. I decided on the gastric bypass over the lapband because I wanted quick weight loss that was permanent. I dedicated myself to the new lifestyle and have had very good success in managing my new (much lower) weight. I still have about 20 pounds I'd like to lose, but I'm not stressing about it at this point.

I feel like a new person, and those close to me say I am a new person. Not only has my body changed, but my personality has as well. I am more confident in my own skin, which helps me relate to other people much easily. My weight always put a wall between me and other people. One of the strangest things for me now, as someone who is still heavy in my head, is how other people feel comfortable getting close to me, like standing right next to me. My "fat girl" bubble still dominates in my head, and I still struggle with this on a daily basis. Also, I don't recognize myself in the mirror,but I don't recognize old pictures of myself either. I'm learning how my "new" face and body looks, but I haven't completely wrapped my head around all the changes. I'm still surprised daily about what I see in the mirror.

I've had 3 main issues since my surgery. The first is a constant problem I've had since day 1 and will struggle with for the rest of my life. It's called "dumping syndrome." I dump almost every time I eat. Dumping happens shortly after I eat, as my body's response to my new digestive system. The way my insides were rerouted, my stomach empties into the middle of my small intestine, so my food gets into my blood stream much faster than in a normal GI tract. About 10 minutes after I eat sugary foods, or any food for that matter, I feel horrible. The main symptoms are nausea, increased heart rate, and sweating. The best way to treat this is to not eat, but since that isn't possible, I remove myself from the food area (the smell of food makes it worse) and go lay down. It usually passes in 20 minutes or so and then I'm back to normal. The second issue was gallstones. I passed several gallstones over the first year and a half after my surgery, and then they finally took out my gallbladder. These gallstone attacks are excruciating. I've been told they're more painful than childbirth. I've never given birth, so I'm not sure about all that, but I can say that I passed out from the pain during my first attack. Then I popped a 104 degree fever and ended up spending a week in the ER while they tried to figure out what the heck was happening. When they finally decided to take out my gallbladder, it was riddled with stones and was pretty much emergency surgery. The third issue is one I'm currently fighting. I'm having a bad reaction to my gallbladder surgery. It seems that I have too much bile in my system, and it's wreaking havoc on my entire GI tract, from the top to the bottom. Without giving you the gory details, suffice it to say that I've been in constant pain and uncomfortableness for about 2 months. I finally got to see my GI doctor today and he's putting me on another medicine that will (hopefully) get this taken care of. He's doing an endoscopy next week to make sure I don't have ulcers too. I'm looking forward to feeling better in the next few days, as the medicine takes effect. It looks like I'll probably be on this medicine for a long time (the rest of my life?), but I'm already taking a ton of pills and supplements because of the risk of malnutrition from the original surgery, so 1 more pill isn't a big deal.

The last 2 years have been a wild ride, but like I said before, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Being able to feel comfortable in my own skin is a huge blessing and totally worth everything I have to deal with, at least for me. I will say that weight loss surgery isn't for everyone. You have to be willing to make a lifelong commitment to the new lifestyle, which includes big changes in eating and activity level. I was ready for a change and wanted it badly. My weight has been pretty much stable, within 10 pounds or so, for about a year and a half. And at this point, I'm at the lowest weight I can remember since elementary school (I hit 180 around sixth grade, if I remember correctly). I'm about 100 pounds lighter than I was when I got married, and about 60 pounds lighter than I was when I graduated from high school. To me, that's success, and I'm happy I did it. Some may call me crazy, but I've been called worse. ;)

To All the Moms...

Happy belated mother's day!

Thank you to my mother-in-law, Diane, for this great piece. Here are some thoughts on mothers. Sometimes you need to take a minute and step back and look at what you've been so busy doing. Then count your blessings, smile, and get back to work.

"I'm invisible....."

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands;I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Pick me up right around 5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cu m laude --but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going ... she's going ... she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte, w ith admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read -- no, devour -- the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals -- we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."

And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our life time because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand-bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Alyssa's First Tooth!!!

Alyssa's first tooth is coming in!!! She's been a drool-monster the last little while, super cranky, and chewing on everything. Then, a few days ago, she grabbed my finger to shove in her mouth and chew on (like normal) and I felt it! A tooth! And it was a sharp little bugger. I have seen it, but I haven't been able to get a picture of it because every time we open her mouth to look at it, she covers it with her tongue. So as soon as she cooperates with the camera, I'll get a picture of it up. It's just a little white dot at this point, not very impressive.

5 Months Old

As of today, Cinco de Mayo, Alyssa is officially 5 months old. In my Teaching and Learning with Technology class tonight, I was working on a project to create a movie. This was very last minute and I only had what was on my laptop with me, and no camera, so I decided to make a slideshow movie of pictures of Alyssa to show how much she's changed. And, looking back at the pictures, she has. So enjoy!